June, a month of quality personal time perhaps.
Ignoring the world, travelling at my pace, and thus more thoughts. Thoughts about the past, the present and the future. They say we got to live in the moment to be truly living but I haven’t got there yet. Only when I stop thinking, yes. Busy searching for answers to almost everything, yet I am not getting it. Tried reading a book last Thursday to realise how tough it was to focus again. (Dear Architecture, I feel so far away from you.) Well, hopefully somewhere sometime this month I do make steps of improvements. Eyes are clouded, to only not see who am I to be. Takes time I guess? :/
Honestly I can’t be anymore irritated with myself. Exams are just this Monday, and I’m clear that I’m not prepared. It’s not like anyone would be fully prepared but I’m not even hitting the least I should be. What exactly am I doing with my uni education?! I’m starting to hate all of these, losing focus, somehow losing the thing in fighting for. I can’t see exactly what I’m fighting for now. It used to be getting here in uni, but what about now? Just graduating doesn’t seem to be a good motivation. It’s more like me sneaking my way through my education. Now hit me awake or send me to deep sleep till I find my fighting spirit.
else I’ll nvr do well
Twenty twenty twenty twenty. Officially turned 20 a few days back and definitely had an awesome birthday this year;)) Being 20 does feel different, but not for now I guess? Wait till I hit 21 next year I might panic. I’m serious about the panic attack next year. Like I’m already on my route of 20-25-30, things do matter a lot for whatever is going to happen this 10 years down the road. I am going to graduate, maybe till then I would be driving, maybe one of BFFs get married, or maybe myself lol. What an interesting 10 years it’s going to be. For now, what I see is to get my
freaking degree and till then decide again. I’ve come to appreciate certain values in life that I just want my loved ones, and friends to stay healthy and happy. Thats all I ask for because I realized nothing else matters as much now. money
Uh well, I wonder who reads this anyway. Past few weeks has been rather depressing, that it reach a point whereby I wanted to leave everything and go. In short, give up. But nothing is stagnant, interim crits did help to provide me with another perspective. Really, there’s still so much to learn and grasp. It’s a never ending cycle. But well, I’m thankful for seeing some direction here for now. :)
Last weekend was a slightly longer one, and maybe a fruitful one. Had lots of stuff in my mind over the weekend that made me reflect. Realized how true some phrase was- “if only you want it, you can achieve it.” I guess nothing beats more than our own determination, after all we fight ourselves mentally all along. Round 1 (this semester) is almost done, shall hang in there. On the contrary, I realized how I do not fit into some social systems out there. Like parties are socially awkward situations that I find myself in. Even with certain group of friends, I really don’t feel as comfortable. Probably it takes time, but I will get over these.
(learn quite a few new words today following 元気！ 本気、平気)
“It is only against the pitch blackness of the night that we see the glory of the stars. And it is only against the pitch blackness of man’s radical depravity that we can begin to see the glories of the gospel.”
— Paul Washer
feeling like a rain cloud today
B a d d a y. This two words basically sums up my day today. Things don’t seem to go well during my dinner work shift today where basically, I got pointed out to many stuff where I missed out. True enough that I’m still green to these, but well, I took it more personally. OH WELL, when is work ever been a happy thing all round? If so, I wouldn’t be able to differentiate between fun and boredom and a BAD day.
A lesson learnt is still a lesson learnt. At least I would be more aware of the no-nos at work, and the bad things of bad days? I just have the urge to buy things home. Be it juices, bread, and whatever. Okay mel, stop harping on yesterday cos today’s going to be a better one. Nightos world.
“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Haven’t been using this platform for awhile, but probably it’s not a really bad thing either. In a blink of an eye and there goes two months of my holidays. Time is amazing, gone amazingly fast for now. & when I’m working, time seems to have paused for super long. Time flies, and so do I want to fly out of this busy city. If only I had the guts and everything else, I would want to travel solo. Walk on the streets of an unfamiliar city, explore new cultures & really be a tourist (rather being mistaken as one in your own country like I just did). Hah, I guess my list of must visit places would just keep extending till my savings for these do a match. I’m just not so lucky to fly to wherever I want to. But this keeps me looking forward to saving for trips :) & Sweden has just been added to my list – the want to stay in the ice hotel, to camp somewhere in the forest, & of course, how could one miss out on the northern lights? Northern lights, northern lights, I swear I would see you one day.
“At least it’s over, for now.”
A sigh of relief that exams are over, no more submissions and project deadlines for this coming three months. YEAR ONE IS OVER! But, this is probably just another beginning. Someone once said that Architecture is for life, it’s not just sunday prayers nor occasional visits. It’s something to be done daily, to go over and over it again. I guess once in, there’s hardly a clear signal for an exit. I’m glad that over the academic year I did learnt something, move a little closer to my goal, and climb up a little higher of that ladder of knowledge. Roads are bumpy, but I know faith would guide me through. Keeping my fingers crossed for the second semester, but as my dad said, grades are not the ultimate factor. But still, I still think it is part of a motivation factor.
Yet another month has passed, and i know soon it will be june in a blink of an eye. May is almost here, nothing special, work as usual. But what is bugging me lately is the fact that I’m like obsessed with certain things lately. Like how I will want to get many many things, from clothings to shoes to everything that I could change about myself. So many wants lately that I feel as though I’m turning into someone who just being materialistic. I’m not, and i wouldn’t want to be one either. Money is evil, evil is money. Do money takes away happiness or does it actually bring happiness? Or maybe it just fills the empty soul of one? ugh, whatever. Lots of thoughts running through that I can’t seem to get it sorted out. NIghtos world! ;) may evrything goes well this summer break.
What a hectic weekend ahead. Like I’m piled with tons of work to do and it is all dued by Monday. I’m catching the Monday fears instead! Ugh. Fine I’ll press on. It’s the way of life right? I pray for a fruitful Day tomorrow and the day after that. And not forgetting the month of April too. Hehe I know I’m greedy here but well I need some luck in this, so bless me please:) as for things lately, I can’t be bothered with the cold war that’s ongoing right now between me and my mom. Like its pointless, over minor issues. Like what the hell? I’m standing by my principles. Probably I’m becoming more of a less sensitive, no rather emotionless person in all. I’m getting irritated by how some friendships have turn into a “when I need you then I’ll walk into your life” kind of thing. And how I no longer see value in what I thought were to be good and lasting friendships. I’m starting to treasure the ones that I value and walking away from those I think are not worth it. How do I know? You don’t judge your friend when true friendship exists. Sighs on how things have been changing but things change eventually. So I’m moving on. Time for ab early night rest.
It’s funny how the stars that used to light so bright,
are fading into the skies tonight.
Come on stars show your light,
guide me through these blinded nights.